Made for More
I have felt numb, almost in shock, and as familiar as I am with the grief journey, this has concerned me. I keep busy, but I am torn. Part of me wants to experience healing. But part of me doesn’t want to slow down and grieve. Because to slow down to grieve would be to face the fact that my son is gone, that he is not coming back. Part of me is still in a bit of denial of what I know to be true.
But now as it has been over three weeks, the inevitable increase in pain begins, the shock wears off and the numbness dissipates as the pain increases. It is like a woman going into labor within my emotions. The pains come with increasing regularity, shorter intervals between and increasing pain.
The other day while working in the attic a song came to mind “Building 429 Where I Belong” as the words came to mind, I remember the words Nate wrote in his Death Note “I’m not made for this world.” No Nate you weren’t made for this world. This world wasn’t good enough for you. But that doesn’t mean you couldn’t have found beauty and joy in it a little longer.
None of us are made for this world, we are all made for something better, yet we are to enjoy the journey as we pass through, to learn the lessons we need to learn in preparation for our destination and to touch the lives of fellow passengers on this train as we pilgrimage to our final destination, our home the place and age we were made for.
If only you had understood that in your darkest moment, that even the hopelessness you felt was only temporary. The night is always darkest just before the dawn.
I know you hurt son, but now I am left to carry this pain, a different kind of pain, a pain that won’t go away, that cannot be waved away with a magic wand. So, I write, I embrace the pain even as the tears fall on this keyboard while I type.
I listened to a podcast of a story of someone who went through something similar to what I am going through. They said the only way to get past it is to go through it, to dive headlong into the pain. Like a thousand band-aids on my soul, each one must be ripped off and the pain experienced, they will not peel off slowly and can’t be left on forever.
Like Jesus words in Mathew 21:42 & 44 Jesus said to them, “Have you never read in the Scriptures: “’The stone the builders rejected has become the cornerstone; the Lord has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes’?....Anyone who falls on this stone will be broken to pieces; anyone on whom it falls will be crushed.”
Jesus was referring to Himself as the Cornerstone of our salvation, when we fall on Him, surrender to Him, we are changed, we are broken to pieces in order to be made whole and holy. There is no true Christian faith without a brokenness of our own wills and desires and a submission to God to be made new. We die to the old self and become alive in Christ. As Jesus explained in Luke 9:24 24 “For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it.”
And so it is with the grief journey I am on. I must fall upon it, upon the pain, I must be broken to pieces, voluntarily that I can be put back together, not the same, changed for sure. But healed. The alternative is only that the weight of grief falls upon me and crushes me because I will never be able to bear its full weight, and it only gets heavier as time goes on.
Whatever you are going through if you are on a grief journey like me, I pray that you determine to embrace it and find healing. Lest it infects your soul like a bitter poison and slowly kills you from the inside out.
But more importantly, have you fallen on the Rock of Salvation that is Christ Jesus and allowed yourself to be broken before Him that you might experience new life, life abundant and eternal. There is no Christian faith without Transformation, it is not a religion you place in your pocket like a stone of comfort and tradition, it is a Lifestyle of surrender to the God who created you, loves you and died for you. I hope you call out to Him today. If you want to know more, simply click here: Tell Me More About Jesus
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(about the thumbnail picture: The Kummakivi Balancing Rock is a natural feature found in a scenic forest region in the southeastern part of Finland)
